Dear Bernsie,

I have been married for two years and things have gone steadily downhill. I thought I married my soul-mate yet now we can't seem to agree on anything important. When we were engaged, I thought we agreed on everything. Now, even how we like our pasta cooked is a bone of contention.
Our biggest fights seem to be about money. I love nice things and a beautiful environment. I think my husband would be happy living in a tent.
Whenever I come home with a new dress or an item for our house, he gets really angry. He wants to retire at 50 and sees any expenditure beyond bare necessities as taking away from his dream.
I was brought up in a home where money was seen as a way to live better. He grew up in a home where money was short so his parents scrimped and saved to provide for their children.
I am not extravagant, but I don't think I should have to defend myself every time I buy something without his approval.
I am at my wits end with this. Please help.

Sincerely
T.

Dear T.

Issues with money, are probably second only to sex, the two subjects couples seem to fight about most. These two issues touch on each individuals need to control their physical and emotional environments.
You mention that when you met your husband, you agreed on everything. This is normal. You have to remember that, the beginning phase in a relationship is the honeymoon phase. This involves a high degree of enmeshment which sometimes excludes open and honest discussions where disagreements may occur.  We usually focus on all the things that we like in the other person, not noticing the things that irritate us.
After living together for a while, couples begin to define their boundaries more clearly, and differences which have been submerged before come to the surface. I suspect this is what has happened here.
You both have come from different belief systems. Through good communication these can be changed to a more beneficial belief that better suits the two of you. My guess is that this is what is being acted out using money as a convenient pretext.
Money issues, more often than not, reflect a lack of emotional intimacy within the context of a relationship. Further, the inability of the couple to communicate about their emotional needs creates problems which manifest as financial issues. Believe it or not, money and love sometimes symbolize each other in the way that giving, sharing, receiving, and spending are expressed.
Forget money for a moment and ask yourself this question: Do I honestly feel that I am getting enough love and understanding from my mate? Then, ask him the same question!
I would be willing to put money on the fact that neither of you is really communicating on the underlying issues of emotional intimacy in this relationship.
Without either of you being defensive, find out what your spouse really feels he is missing. And tell him the same about yourself.
If you can do this, your ability to discuss your financial issues will follow suit.
Honest communication about deeper feelings and the safety to do this without ridicule or defensiveness is the key to happiness in any good relationship.

Sincerely,
Bernsie